and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
