I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
