I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i dont even know how to be here
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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