i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize