I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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