You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Houston, we have a blender
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
