So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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