I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
