I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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