she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
