Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
