I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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