His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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