Please, let me fuck your mom
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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