It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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