he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
