Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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