Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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