Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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