i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
