just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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