i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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