I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
