Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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