And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
