he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
