That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
