Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
