Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
