Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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