Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
