Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
