Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
