my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
