fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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