I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
