My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
