I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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