if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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