Fuck appropriateness.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
