My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
