Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
