In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
