The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
