you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
