and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
