I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
