i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
