So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize