so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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