Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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