At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
