He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
