Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize