Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You are the jesus of drinking
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
