So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
