Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
