You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
