dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
