I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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