i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
