Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
