dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
