Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
