I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
