I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
