everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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