im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
