do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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