No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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