I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
