No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
